The Doors I Keep Shut · Episode Two
The Girl Who Could Not Smile
Three weeks of freedom with a girl who was not allowed to smile, and what it taught me about control.
At a glance
- A schoolmate with a very strict boyfriend who told her not to talk to any guys.
- He went to London for four weeks, and for three weeks we were free to be friends.
- She could not be herself because he partly paid her school fees.
People are actually friendly most of the time. But something, or someone, controls their thoughts and their behaviour.
In uni, there was a schoolmate of mine. She had a boyfriend who was very strict.
The boyfriend was super rich. At that time, he lived in a landed property. She was gorgeous looking. He was Bengali, from the North Indian side.
By then, I was the student leader. After the prom night, it became quite viral. People said I was fun to be around with. When I went to the library and started talking to my friends, laughter erupted. Things were fun.
The boyfriend liked to be around us too. It gave him a good image. I was close to the Managing Director and his wife, and the lecturers loved me a lot. That is how it works when you know the boss. The rich students were not interested in anything else. But because of the presence and the charismatic aura I brought around, they felt cool. They felt nice. So they joined in.
The girl was told not to talk to any guys. Her boyfriend did not feel good about it. He just wanted her attention.
Once, I smiled at her. She did not smile back. She just moved on. I was a bit offended. Why the sulky face? I left it at that.
Sometimes he would join our group for lunch. We would sit around and talk. The girl would be there.
Then one day, he had to go back. He was a PR, not Singaporean. He had to go to London for a family emergency. Four weeks.
One or two days later, I went to eat as usual. She was there. I did not want to disturb her, so I sat in a different place. Coincidentally, we saw each other. She smiled. So I smiled. We went into the lift to go to the classroom. She smiled again. I said, how are you?
That was how it started. We went for drinks. For lunch. For the evening. Then for movies. For me, it was a platonic friendship. I knew she had a boyfriend.
She said she felt left out. We went out. Most of the time, it happened in Bugis Junction. The air conditioning fits me a lot, so that is where we usually hung around. We shared ice creams. It was unbelievable.
The day before the boyfriend came back, she said she had a good time in these three weeks. She said he was coming back, and she could not be as normal. She told me about him, how dark and strict he can get. She said she was a bit afraid of him. And he also partly paid her school fees.
Then it hit me. That is why she was always with him. That is why she tried not to talk to anyone.
I said it was okay. She knew I spent time with others too. She thanked me for being with her. She said probably the next time he goes overseas, we can go out together. I said it was okay. We are friends. All our friends understand how she is.
Two, three weeks later, it was the same old thing. Sometimes I would look at her and smile with a smirk. She would turn away, giving a smile too, but very cautiously.
That was the day I felt one thing. People are actually friendly most of the time. But something, or someone, controls their thoughts and their behaviour. That was the first lesson I felt as an adult. There can be a situation where you cannot be who you are. It can be your parents. Your husband. Your siblings. Even your closest friend. So who are you, really?
I thought to myself, am I being truthful to myself? Am I being who I am? Or am I just showing that life is short, just enjoy it while it lasts? Why do we need to be more cautious about everything? That is my view. That is what I like to be. But others could not be. Or they cannot.
For her, if she had control of the finance to pay for her education, she would not be with him. But because of her situation, she has less choice. He pays for her, so he feels he has more control over her, because she is obliged to him now. So who is right? Who is wrong? If he feels she is taking advantage of him, then he is taking advantage of her too, is it not? So I could not be angry with him either.
This opened my eyes. To be frank, in my JC and uni days, my thoughts were very open. There was no such thing as girlfriend and boyfriend, or a relationship. If you go out for a movie, or for lunch, it is just friendship. That was what was happening around me, and with my friends. They know me quite well. If they see me with someone, they will know. No, it cannot be his girlfriend. He does not believe in it.
That was one of the eye openers.